He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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