Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
