I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
