i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
