Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
