I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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