So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize