y did u give ur computer a hand job?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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