It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
