i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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