I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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