hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
