I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You can't special order awesome
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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