My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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