Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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