just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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