I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
