my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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