Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
