I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
