I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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