Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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