I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
