Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
