so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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