I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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