I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
