last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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