either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He? As in you personified your dick?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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