The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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