sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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