I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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