Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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