apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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