If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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