Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
