Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
