now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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