Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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