Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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