Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
