my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
