i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
