just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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