he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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