i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize