You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
