Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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