Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
