I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just high enough for therapy.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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