When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
