I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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