God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
