I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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