Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
