I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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