Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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